Being Bad, Looking Good

Why are the bad guys always so much cooler than the good guys?

I mean, was this a conscious decision?
Did the big shots from the TV and toy industries get together one day and decide "OK, good guys should look weak and gay, and bad guys have to be slick, and have the coolest weapons, vehicles and accessories."

Was this a meticulously-constructed global conspiracy to ensure that the easily impressionable kids of the 80’s would be drawn to the dark side (no pun intended. Notice there’s no capital letters?) and dream of growing up to be the next arch-nemesis of the universe?

Let's recap:

Luke / Vader
He’s a shy farm boy. And Vader, well...he's VADER.

Commander Cobra / G.I. Joe
If you can wear a solid metal mask and still live after 5 minutes, you're pretty cool in my book.

Optimus Prime / Megatron
One's a truck. The other's a badass gun. 'Nuff said.

Inspector Gadget / Dr. Claw
Two words for you: Metal. Spikes ...with a side order of evil kitty.

Skeletor / He-man
One's un-dead. The other looks like a Village People casting session reject.

Shredder / Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
In their defense, I do have to say they loved pizza.

Venger, from ‘Dungeons & Dragons’
Only one horn, but still way cooler than any of those kids.

Mumm-Ra / Lion-O
OK, this is a close one. The Sword of Omens did give 'sight beyond sight', after all.

The thing, though, is that by some incredibly unlikely twist of fate, the cool, slick bad guys with the coolest weapons and vehicles and accessories somehow always ended up losing.

Which leads me to believe that maybe there was something more to those conspirators' plan.

Something bigger:
To show us 80's kids how cool a bad guy could be, to make us long for it baaaad, only to tear all those illusions up by having the good guys win.

See, they were working the psyche.

In those days, it was up to the TV and toy industry big shots to play ‘Supernanny’ and subconsciously embed the moral of the story into our heads:
Doesn't matter what you have, how slick you are or how flashy you live.
The other guy, who doesn’t have the cool car, or the cool house, or the hot girlfriend(s), he's the one who, by some incredibly unlikely twist of fate, will come out on top in the end.

So be a good boy.

-G-